FOCUS ON GOD

Lord, I try so hard to focus on you.
I never thought it would be so hard to do.
So many distractions coming my way.
How do I keep it together so that I do not stray?

Everyday is a constant struggle.
Managing marriage, myself, and kids is a constant juggle.
Though I know in my heart I do not do this alone,
You are my rock, my stepping stone.

It is so easy to take the wide path and follow the worldly view,
Instead of trusting in you to help me through all that I go through.
I do not always get what I want or what I think I need,
But I know that you have my best interest in mind indeed.

It’s so easy to stray even when I know the right way.
I am living my life of the world, for me
Instead of the life I should be,
Which is a life of us,
God and me.

Focusing on you is something I struggle with everyday,
in every imaginable way.
What are some of my struggles at this point in time?
Where do I even begin?
What are my idols, I ask myself.
Let me share with you a part of my life. . .

I find myself constantly turning on the TV
Hooked to the questionable reality TV,
Are those people for real,
These people are all crazy!!!
One show after another of endless chatter,
my mind slowly turning to mush,
Just one more show then maybe I will have had enough.

Lord, help me to focus on you.
Why oh why Lord is it so hard to do?
I do not want to stray,
But there are so many distractions coming my way!

If it’s not TV it is material things I seek,
A new outfit or sofa, something chic.
If only my house looked like what I see on HGTV,
That would make me happy, just you wait and see.
Though the happiness is always short lived,
as I am sure you would agree.

Lord, I pray, help me to focus on you.
I am going astray.
So many distractions that I can not fend away.

Last but not least I struggle with myself.

I look in the mirror and what do I see
An imperfect woman staring back at me.
A bump on my nose a mole on my chin.
Sun damaged skin, the list never ends.

If I stood up straight maybe that’s what I need,
Or to grow and inch taller so people would notice me.
Grow my hair longer or color it red.
Loose some weight; try botox, or even get a tan,
All because that’s what society says.

Lord, I’ve had enough.
When is this going to end?
I try so hard to focus on you,
But I seem to be walking farther away from you.
Help me to control these distractions so I do not stray.
Why does this have to be so tough?
All I want is be filled up.

I’m not perfect and never will be
But the beauty of it all is God sees me and still loves this mess of me.
He is an awesome God indeed!

Ultimately I realize all that I seek and go after in this world continues to make me feel hollow.
It is only the Holy Spirit that can fill my soul and heart,
that can easily be so shallow.
It’s the gifts from God that make me feel so fulfilled.
Such as my children, breadth for another day,
And those big and little prayers He answers day after day.

There is always something we are chasing after
be it beauty, fame, or material things.
The point is no matter what your idol may be
It will never fill you up completely.
Only God can set you free.

So, Once you choose the narrow way,
How do you keep from going astray?
You don’t, but hey, that is OK!

Even when I stray and have done things on my own
In my amazement he has never left me alone.
I am so undeserving of his mercy and grace.
But it is God who fills me up and gets me in the happiest place.

You may think at times he has left your side.
Reality is he is keeping stride.
Ready to pick you up when you fall.
All you have to do is call.

Thank you Lord for helping me to focus back on you,
And for never leaving my side even when I walked away from you.
Many distractions will come my way,
And I will stray,
But you are full of so much love, mercy, and grace.
That I will never worry another day.
Because you walk beside me every step of the way.

“All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has called the iniquity (wickedness) of us all to fall on Him.” Isaiah 53:6

Celebration of Change

It has been such a long time since I have posted anything on my blog. Life has a way of grabbing hold of you and taking you for a ride whether you like it or not. For those of you reading this blog that do not know my story I am thirty years old and was diagnosed with breast cancer two months ago. Breast cancer does not run in my family and I never thougtht it would happen to me. I am currently on chemotherapy and have had a double mastectomy. I started loosing my hair so I had my husband cut it off which he was a little too excited to do. I had a harder time dealing with loosing my hair than I thought I would. It was not having no hair that bothered me, but that I am now one of “them” (the other cancer patients at the hospital). You see, I do not see myself as having cancer. Call it denial if you like, but I call it survival. As far as I am concerned the cancer is gone and I am doing chemotherapy just to be sure. This whole experience has been so surreal and surprisingly enough I am ok with everything. I am finding myself more confident and much stronger than I ever thought I was. I opted not to do reconstruction and have not regretted one minute my decision. It is so nice not having to wear bras in Houston weather. Seriously though I have found such a freedom that cannot be fully expressed. I keep waiting for that moment when I will break down in tears for the loss of my breasts and the mutilation of my body but it has not come. Instead I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed at what I see. I have adapted to the the change and I am able to dress in a way that just makes me look like I am flat chested and am realizing more and more every day that nobody cares that I have no breasts. It helps to that I have such a supportive loving husband who loves me for me and not for double D’s. I have not and will not let not having breasts defeat me. My decision to not do reconstructive surgery is not for everyone but it was the best decision for me and now I am celebrating the change. I am having a photographer document every stage of my treatment so that I have a visual journal of my journey. Through all this I realize even more that God is good and is always faithful. My faith is what is getting me through this time in my life. As well as my family, friends, and people who I do not even know so well stepping up to help. I hope that one day I can be a help to someone else going through this same thing.  I still have a ways to go on my treatments and I admit that I am a little scared at times but I know everything is good. This is not the road that I wanted to take in my life but it is what was chosen for me and I see myself changing for the better and I celebrate the change.

14 Months Old

 

 

 

These are just various phots taken by Aunt Breda when she came to visit. She always does such a good job of capturing good moments.

Asia’s 3rd Birthday

 

 

 

Asia turned 3 January 31, hard to believe. Where did the time go. Her Aunt April was able to come to visit this weekend to celebrate this special day. We did not do to much to celebrate but Asia had a few presents to open and some yummy cupcakes to eat. Boy did she love those cupcakes!

My First Cupcake

It was the day before Elijah’s birthday and I did not know we would be celebrating it at a friend’s house so I bought him a cupcake. Here he is eating it all up.

Elijah is doing great. Everyday he gets better with his walking. I tell Quentin that by the time he gets home again he will be running. He already moves pretty fast when he sets his mind to it. Elijah also has a big appetite and likes to eat his finger food.

Thanksgiving Artwork

I thought this was really cute. Asia made this in her Mother’s Day Out class. Her foot makes the body of the turkey. My girl is such the artist! Her teachers say that she likes to paint.

Birthday Boy

Elijah turned One today. I can’t believe it! He is growing up so fast. Quentin and I joined a new church that is close to the house and a lot smaller than our previous church. I have been attending a women’s bible study and have taken part in a mentoring program where you are paired with another woman of the church. Tori is who I was paired with and what a blessing she has been. I had mentioned to her that it was Elijah’s birthday this week and a few days later she invited us over to eat and celebrate his birthday. She went beyond anything I expected. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner of venison, which I have not had in so long. Asia filled her tummy as well with the great food and much to my surprise still had room for dessert. I had not planned to celebrate Elijah’s birthday since he is so young but I am so glad we did. It was a fun evening and the company was fantastic.

They had party hats and balloons with clowns attached to the string. Asia really enjoyed playing with the balloons. Elijah was waiting for the party to begin.

Above is the decorated table and the delicious banana cupcakes.

Elijah is ready to dig in and patiently waits as we sing Happy Birthday. I had to help blow out the candle. As you can see in the second photo Asia was testing the icing. She had just put her finger in the icing and was tasting it.

Meet the host, Scott and Tori. It was getting late and Elijah was getting tired and cranky so that is why he was crying. After a few minutes he calmed down and was content.

My Wonderful Husband

When Quentin was home last he surprised me and set up an appointment for me to get a massage. How wonderful it was. We also were able to find babysitters and had a few nice evenings to ourselves eating at new restaurants and going to a movie. Our time together is so important now since I do not see him so often. We were also able to celebrate our four year anniversary. It has been a wonderful four years and I could not have dreamed up a better life. I love him with all my heart and soul. We have had our trying moments but have come out of every circumstance stronger. This move of his to Africa has shown us how much we take each other for granted and just how much we need each other. Even after four years of marriage we are discovering new things about one another which is an exciting thing. Along with the kids Quentin is truly my ray of sunshine.

Fun at the Zoo

A couple weeks ago on Halloween we went to the Houston Zoo. It was our first time there and we thoroughly enjoyed it. Asia seemed to enjoy watching the bigger animals as long as they were moving around. She liked the monkeys and sea lions. We went over to the petting zoo where Asia attempted to brush the goats.

Santa

I know, it has been a long time since I have gotten on here. No more excuses. I am all moved in and settled so I will try to get back on track with the blog. Last Saturday I dragged the kids to a Christmas Market. Hard to believe that Christmas time is almost here again. Where did the time go? Santa was there so I thought that now is as good a time as any to introduce the kids to him. Asia would not let me sit her on his lap and Elijah did not know what to think. The picture turned out pretty well I thought. At least the kids are not crying.